Tragedy

Our heroic captain (of England, not "of Boats"), almost reduced to tears


The picturesque scoreboard telling a sorry story

As a spectator at the Oval on the 12th September 2005, I experienced as euphoric a sporting high as experienced by any discerning English sporting spectator – I saw the Ashes come home. It is therefore a sad duty to record on this blog that not only did I see the Ashes thrown away on 5th December 2006 on television at Howards End, but they were thrown away in the city that the Vice Chairman, the Chair of the Wines & Spirits Committee and the Chair of the Fine Arts Committee call home AND WITNESSED IN PERSON BY THE VICE CHAIRMAN, no less.

Our sympathises should be extended to the Vice Chairman for having to witness such a debacle, and we hope that in due course he can forgive the cricket playing representatives of the land of his birth for being the first side in test history to loose a test match after declaring on a first innings score in excess of five hundred and fifty runs. No wonder the Australians were happy.

"Taking the Pith?" (or "Two Back Passages to India")

The flag of Imperial India (pre 1945)

The Chairman & First Lady in Club safari kit in Thailand, November 2005

Two titles, in much the same way as a “Carry On” film – I hope you appreciate the caption writing, which I consider for some time before writing, in spite of all appearances. ANYWAY, this missive is to announce that the recent spate in blog entries to be curtailed for the next fortnight as the Chairman & First Lady are embarking on a trip to Goa, following in the footsteps of the Vice Chairman who spent a sizeable period of his gap year searching (and often finding) examples of “eastern promise”

The Chairman & First Lady are making plans to buck statistical probability on their sojourn, and are aiming to be two of the three in ten who manage to survive a passage to India without suffering the indignity of an impaired digestive track. Should we get “caught short” on our travels from the hotel room to the poolside, however, the First Lady came up with the idea for a cunning use for the Pith the other evening…..

Buy George, what a dastardly Captain ?

Yeh, yeh, yeh, yeh......

The Captain in the Princess Louise

Time for some new cufflinks?

"Mutley" Campion, the medal-hungry member of the club who is so keen for reward that he not only has applied to the House of Lords for ennoblement, but also put in for medal for Gulf War 2 (in whose "theatre" he was not engaged, actively or otherwise) on the grounds that Cyprus was “almost within scudding distance of Iraq” has been up to no good again.

I discovered this when I had the pleasure of dining with the Captain at the Cittie of Yorke, High Holbourn on Monday evening following my birthday. We had a short but sweet repast, and as the chef announced that the grouse was off that evening, the Captain had Chicken Kiev and your corrospondent the Cornish Pastie. However, the purpose of this missive, fascinating though our dining habits are, is to share with readers the fact that the Captain was sporting a rather natty pair of cufflinks, which I am delighted to reproduce for your amusement above.

I enquired of the Captain whether such adornments were as a result of the generous benefaction of his offspring, at which point the Captain looked rather sheepish, and confided that he had bought the cufflinks himself from the outfitters of choice for the discerning, Asda, the previous weekend, much to my ammusement.

I bid my leave at this point, having a previous appointment with Messrs Kwik Save, my tailors, but reflected on the way to being fitted with an acylic suit that the Captain’s pricelessness (or should that be Asda pricelessness) goes from strength to strength.....

50/50 - 1

The VC relaxing after a day in the sun

The First Lady, Chairman, VC & Antipodean Ambassadress at the Melbourne Cup

The Chairman after a very long day

The Melbourne Cup. The race which stops a nation, makes grown men disgrace themselves and a race won for the last 3 years by Makybe Diva, making her the most successful racehorse in the race ever, and a horse the WRC saw win her first triumphal year in 2003. Suffice as to say that although the five members present had approximately 10 bets on the race, none of us had the pleasure of a visit to the Tote window brandishing a winning ticket with glee. We did, however, have a splendid day, and the fact that our visit fell on the Chairman’s 35th birthday proved to be the icing on the cake. To celebrate this auspicious occasion, the Chairman & VC invented a drink consisting of half Seppelt Great Western Brut and half Toohey’s Extra Dry, which we duly named 50/50 and which subsequently proved to be the foundation of our undoing. However, there will be a new name on the cup this year (although my guess is that behaviour of those who attend will be similarly time honoured), and everyone is looking for clues in the colours, names and good old-fashioned. Chairman’s tip? Art Success, in the year that we found a Chair for our Fine Arts Committee, a success for the club in addition to the art world if there ever was one, and a sure-fire each-way success and which currently stands at 50/1 according to my source at bluesquare.com. If only there was also a horse called Ruby Tuesday running as well……

Good egg

Sir Matthew Pinsent CBE with the Chairman of the Witham Rowing Club

Never let is be said that the Chairman mixes with anyone who might be likely to get him on the river in anger, so for your amusement, may I present a photograph of your Chairman with the retired Olympic oarsman (and four time gold medal winner) Sir Matthew Pinsent CBE, who I recently met at a 10km run in Regents Park (suffice as to say I was a spectator) and who thoughtfully consented to pose with a poser such as I. Much more of a sport than Sir Steve Redgrave, who was apparently too busy to become patron of the WRC when approached by your Chairman in 1996……

TEMPUS PRO FORHESAJOLLYGOODFELLOWIO

Junior beer

The High Commissioner sating his thirst in his grandparents garden

The Secretary drinking, ably supervised by the Treasurer.

The Chair of the Fine Arts Committee enjoying a pint whilst being supported by her Father

The Chairman is always the sort of chap who likes to set a good example, and it is thus gratifying to see such dedication to the under-age drinking cause once espoused by your corrospondent as that shown by the junior members of the WRC. Tempus Pro Visitfromsocialservicesio?

Life on the front line (4)

How we laughed at the Captain's wit

The Treasurer, Secretary, Captain of Boats and First Lady enjoying a snifter

Whilst on his recent travels relating to the AEROMED course the Captain is undertaking, the Captain found himself in the US from where the following missive arrived. The bar pictured above was the purchased object in question, which I thought you might like to see.

Bangor, Maine
19th May 2006

To :
Chairman & First Lady,
Gladbeck Towers,
230 Gladbeck Towers,
Enfield,
London,
UK

It has taken 4 days to get to this town near to Canada. Lots of trees. Luckily it wasn’t closed so I bought something you will both be tickled by….Just the thing for my ennoblement party!

P.S. USA remains devoid of planning regulation. It would never happen in a mature country!

The Captain

Life on the front line (3)

All the nice girls love a Captain

Afghanistan

How could I have doubted the Captain? Yesterday I silently bemoaned the lack of due diligency displayed by the Captain in respect of postcards from his recent family sojourn, and what should arrive in my email in-box than not one but two photographs from the Campo family holiday in the land of the Gauls. It would appear that the Captain, in addition to not including a razor in his hand luggage, also appears to have neglected to include one in his luggage full stop. I know he’s been in the army and the RAF, but to look like a sailor really takes the biscuit. A regimental bath may appear to be the order of the day when he returns to Blighty, but until then, here’s another classic from the Captain’s archives for your amusement.

Afghanistan
21.02.02.

To:
Chairman Howard
First Lady (almost) Howard

Hello!

If I have to send postcards, they have to be atmospheric. The country looks much like Hiroshima, and only a really screwed up population would put that on a card! I’m now sitting round the “Officers Mess” (30ft square room for all 6 officers) drinking contraband spirits and listening to some obscure radio channel playing The Carpenters. When we get round to nuke-ing Afghanistan the world will be a better place!

Lots of love,

The Captain

Life on the front line (2)

"Interior of a modern restaurant at Bahrain Sheraton Hotel"

The Captain is a well travelled man, and in much the same way as Alan Wicker (sans moustache, blazer and Barclaycard), has been travelling the globe at breakneck pace for the good of others, although the Captain does so at the Queen’s behest and not just because he likes a good jolly. Ever a thoughtful man, the Captain has generously endowed the Chairman & First Lady over the year with global missives, most of which are not entirely suitable for a wider audience, but I know he would be delighted to share with the Club and cyberspace those postcards of a less politically incorrect (or rude) nature to aid a better understanding of world affairs for the uninitiated. I for one have learned a lot – I hope you will too.


20.4.2006.

Bahrain Sheraton Hotel

Chairman & First Lady.

Your Captain finds himself presenting in the name of Queen and Country (and Club) to the World Arab Psychiatric Conference. 5* hotel, all food included, huge bar bill….a perfect conference!

P.S. Bahrain will be OK when it’s finished

Down under (the table?)

You've never had it so good......

The Chairs of the both the Wines and Spirits and the Fine Arts Committees after a hard day at the offy-ce

I read with much amusement in the Murdoch today that due to a bumper harvest resulting in a grape glut in Australia, wine lovers in Australia can by wine for less than a bottle of water. Like bees to a honeypot……

Size isn’t everything, Captian.

I had occasion to call the Campo’s last week, only to find the Captain in the midst of installing his latest pride & joy, a 40” plasma television upon the sitting room wall of Campo Towers. Plasma seems to be the way forward in the WRC, with the Ambassadorial Abode currently graced, I understand, with a 50” plasma screen and state of the art home entertainment system (essential for watching Thomas the Tank Engine DVD’s, the High Commissioner tells me). The Ambassador, never one to do things by half measure, obviously had a very big day out on Boxing Day last year, and as the VC commented, it’s probably the extra ten inches which makes all the difference. I’m sure the Captain will struggle on under the shame of it all.

Isn't it a nobby one (and just the proper style!)

OK, you may ask, you managed to get photographs of the Buckingham Palace garden party attended by Margaret & Alan Campo, but why no pictures of Margaret's hat? Ever willing to oblige, the Chairman is delighted to share a photograph kindly emailed to him from Bader-Campo on Friday. Don’t they look splendid?

The sun has got his hat on (and so has Margaret Campo)

The Queen yesterday

The Queen on walkabout

Guests mingling at Buckingham Palace

Never let is be said that the Queen does not empathise with her subjects. So, whilst gardens up and down the country scorch under record temperatures for July, the Queen has allowed the lawns at Buckingham Palace to do likewise, as witnessed (a little Captain tells me) by Margaret and Alan “Campo” Campo DFC yesterday. Good to see the Queen entering into the spirit of the blitz all over again by not allowing her lawns to be watered. By means of real empathy, I shall expect to see her enjoying a trip on the tube in rush hour in the forthcoming days. Or not, as the case (of her son Andrew) will have it.

Photographs (c) Getty Images

8 Glorious years

A green 8th birthday balloon

Molly having her nails done, with Daisy eating hers

Molly's 8th birthday cake, and sleepover guests

The Captain and his new hose

The Chairman, relaxing with a Pimm's in the late afternoon

During your correspondent’s absence, our Secretary Molly Campion celebrated her 8th birthday with a party followed by a sleepover at Campo Towers. In addition to the family being present, the Chairman & First Lady were in attendance as has been customary in recent years, and bore witness to the inordinate amount of food young ladies consume nowadays, especially after they have spent the afternoon launching themselves down the impromptu waterslide the Captain and Treasurer created on the 15th hole of their golf course.

A good time was had by all, the Treasurer excelled herself with her cake baking and the Captain and Chairman were only once troubled by a teddy-bear run in order to appease a temporarily disgruntled guest. I for one raised an eyebrow at the choice of evening film, but I was assured by the Captain that what with young ladies the way they are nowadays, The Exorcist was probably quite tame.

TEMPUS PRO DON’TFORGETYOURCRUCIFIXIO

She's a gem

Ruby Carter WRC, aged 2 months

The Chairman is delighted to share with you a splendid photograph of the Chair of the Fine Arts Committee, released today by the Chair of the Wines & Sprits Committee. Good to see Ruby looking so content – Mother must be back on the Gin again (purely for research purposes, of course)

Idle reflections

"Stands the clock at ten to two, time for a large snifter before a late lunch...... "

So. A WRC coxless four find themselves on Duke Street in Henley looking for somewhere suitable for a recreational trough to celebrate the 13th wedding anniversary of the Treasurer and Captain of Boats after a strenuous bout toasting absent friends, welcoming new members and ignoring the rowing as custom dictates, and what do they find but a new establishment with culinary pretensions named after our beloved (Idle) Vice (Edelweiss – geddit?) Chairman. He may not have been there in body, but he was there in spirit. Even the sign was green and white…..

The reason the Captain was not (almost) arrested at Henley this year

"Yes"?

The picture above illustrates why the Captain, a surprise arrival at Henley this year as noted below, was not almost arrested by Thames Valley Constabulary again this year.

Not much beats a balanced diet, as the Treasurer and First Lady regularly remind an ever increasingly corpulent Chairman.

Horray for Henley

The Treasurer, Chairman & First Lady on the Champagne Lawn in the Stewards' Enclosure

Henley. The reason for the formation of the fine body of men and women (not forgetting the children) who fail to row on the Witham, and attended for the 17th consecutive year by the Chairman on Wednesday 28th June, ably supported by the Treasurer and First Lady who both looked delightful and indulged the gate crashing whims of the Chairman as only a dear old chum and a dutiful wife could.


The Captain, who had been attendant at Staff College, was not due to attend on the 13th anniversary of his wedding day, but as a fluke of good fortune which has characterised the Club’s history thus far, he managed not only to leave Shrivenham early but to arrive (after a car journey, 3 train journeys and a ten minute walk) outside the Stewards’ in full club kit by 4.44pm, no less. Quite how he did it I will never ascertain, but one should never question the good fortune with which the club has been traditionally endowed. As ever, the sun always shines on the Witham…..

A blast from the past

Members and keen observers of the Club over the years may recall none other than Dickie Millward, who the Captain accidentally brought to Henley twice and the boat race once in the early 1990’s. He was last heard of living in a castle in Kent and attendant at firework displays the length and breadth of the Greater Metropolis. Well, he appeared at the Chairman’s station the other day, dolling out leaflets for his latest venture, the North London Open Air Classical Concert in a very fetching purple promotional fleece.

Apparently, he lives in Puckeridge (somewhere up the A1 I gather), and introduced me to his similarly befleeced accomplice to me as one of the chaps they both met at Henley.

“Oh yes, Witham Rowing Club”

his chum recalled without prompting. I couldn’t remember said chum from Adam (it was a long weekend), although I did mention to Dickie another member of the party I recalled, who has apparently subsequently tragically died. I thought I’d put my foot in it again (having one disgraced myself on Dickie’s beanbag in his flat in Enfield 14 years ago), but there was one villain greater than your maligned correspondent.

“Have you seen Campo lately”? Dickie enquired.

I obliquely glossed over the fact that I had enjoyed the company of the not only the Captain but the whole family at the weekend, to which Dickie promptly added

“He didn’t come to my bloody wedding last summer, the bas***d!”

A harsh man, Dickie, but he certainly makes a firework concert go with a bang.

The Bunkers Hill Mafia

The Bunkers Hill Mafia - Coming to a stately home near you soon

You think that the Witham Rowing Club elders are a bad example to the junior members with their fancy dress? I for one blame the parents, grand and otherwise.

By way of proof, the Chairman is delighted to present for your inspection members of the Bunkers Hill Mafia enjoying some statutory recreation, within the hours of daylight, no less. Amongst those pictured are the parents of the Vice Chairman, the Antipodean Ambassadress, the Captain of Boats and the Chairman. Have they no shame?

The day Dave met the Captain

David Cameron during a recent visit to the primary school of the Secretary and Vice Captain of Boats

As a fluke of the electoral process, in so much as that the Captain found that he was the only parent who completed the form of self-nomination, the Captain has found himself on the governing body of the school which the Secretary & Vice Captain of Boats attend. During his brief spell of tenure, the dining room has already disappeared and has been converted into a new wing for the reception class, due in no small part to the fund-raising activities of the school PTA.

As a result of the geographical proximity of the top-secret location of the Captain’s whereabouts, the local MP is none other than David Cameron (Eton and Oxford, where he was a member of the Bullingdon Club), who has been MP for Witney since Douglas Hurd vacated the seat in 1997. So, during the recent local election campaign, David Cameron visited the school, and as a result of the Captain being part of the party of “local dignitaries”, he was deigned fit to meet the next Prime Minister of the Great Britain and Northern Ireland (which was more than can be said for the PTA who were instrumental in the raising of the funds for the building).

So, the Captain finds himself chatting with Dave, who observed to the Captain that the school had "done a good job" with the conversion. The Captain conceded the point made by Cameron, but saw fit to add that “I don’t think Jamie Oliver would have approved”. When questioned as to why by Cameron, the Captain stated “because this used to be a dining room”, after which David Cameron moved on swiftly and was last seen in deep conversation with Headmistress of the school……

The Captain - An apology

The Chairman incorrectly reported that the Captain had been awarded 2nd prize in the officer's Garden of the Year at Colchester Garrison 2002. The Captain wished it to be pointed out that he did in fact win 1st prize in the "Colchester Garrison Annual Gardening Cup" for officer’s resident under 3 years, and the Chairman, who is quite contrite, is pleased to correct this gross factual error.

The work of Salvador Campion

"The Chairman in Club t-shirt" by Daisy Campion WRC 2006

One hump or two

Always easy to spot, here is the latest portrait of the Chairman, commissioned on Saturday evening and duly presented to the Chairman Sunday morning, along with a cup of tea from Aligene, their Filipeno maid, both of which were well made and gratefully received.

For readers of artistic training, the following symbols and narrative are included for reference.

Top :"This is Mr Chairman, I am a camel" (and an illustration of a camel)

Bottom : "Mr Chairman has pink socks. He is wearing them this morning"

Child labour

The Vice Captain of Boats cultivating daisies

In addition to the covert labours of the maid, it appears that the Captain has even got Daisy watering the lawn of Campo Towers. The man has no shame......

What the well dressed (Chair)man is wearing this season

An ever obedient Chairman with the Secretary & Captain

Red trousers, as usual.

Let it grow, let is grow, let it grow !

The First Lady & Secretary testing the trampoline

For members and readers of a horticultural bent, you will be delighted to note that the Captain has managed to defy not only the hosepipe ban (and the prying eyes of nosy neighbours) of but also horticultural science – he has managed to grow a trampoline from seed.

As ever, the Captain has a ready explanation:

“It’s quite simple really, Chairman. It’s a combination of the fertile soil in Oxfordshire and a grant from the Beefield Trust, and as luck would have it, the trampoline even managed to grow from component parts to full gestation in the course of an afternoon”

Strangely enough, the RHS make no mention of the Letsalljumpon Trampolina in their comprehensive Encyclopedia of Garden Plants .

However, the overturning of horticultural conventions must be club trait, as the Cox has in previous years managed to cultivate as substantial crop of compact discs (Ceedee Negatetheweedie) at the Carter family seat in Lincoln, much to the surprise of the Chairman & Vice Chairman when a particularly impressive crop of audio books from the Sunday Times was espied on the vegetable plot.

The Treasurer

Beverley Ann Campion WRC

It seems to be a Campion day today, and no Campion day is complete without our beloved Treasurer, Beverley Ann Campion WRC (“Tiger” to the Chairman), an internationally renowned spendthrift and all round good egg. Tiger is a nurse in her spare time, and you could not think of a kinder, more sympathetic person to offer an intimate examination if the situation demanded it (or just for the hell of it, for that matter.) Grrrrr.

VIVAT TIGER CAMPO WRC

The Vice-Captain of Boats

Daisy Elizabeth Campion WRC, July 2005

As if the Vice Captain of Boats would be overlooked when it comes to the blogging of our junior members! A fine example of Daisy Elizabeth Campion WRC, I hope you will agree. I am hoping Daisy, a noted artist, will paint a portrait of me this weekend when the Mini makes its way down the M.40 to Campo Towers. Get your paints ready Daisy.

VIVAT DAISY CAMPO WRC

The greatest love of all

Molly Irene Campion WRC in the club tie at Gladbeck Towers

It was Whitney Houston who once sang that “I believe the children are our are future” in her song “The Greatest Love of All”. When considering this emotion, I think she must have had a premonition about our club secretary Molly Irene Campion WRC. Molly believes in the WRC so much that she bleeds green blood. It also goes without saying that although she loves her Chairman, her greatest love of all (after her family, friends, Cara, the maid and Bratz) is the WRC.

VIVAT MOLLY CAMPO WRC

Tempus Pro Icebergio

The Captain watering his lawns with gay abandon in front of Campo Towers (note the club flag)

Whilst perusing the Murdoch in the morning room earlier today, your Chairman was interested to read that Thames Water are considering towing icebergs from the Arctic up the Thames Estuary in order to alleviate the potential effects caused by the impending prospect of the worst drought in a century.

Members and readers alike will be delighted to note, however that the proposed ban on the private use of sprinklers and garden hoses will not affect the award-winning horticultural efforts of our Captain of Boats (2nd prize in the officer's Garden of the Year at Colchester Garrison 2002).

“A hosepipe ban won’t be a problem for me”, I was recently advised by the Captain, “as I’m considering turning our garden into a golf course. Private, of course. We don’t want any old riff-raff swanning over my immaculately flymo-ed lawns. However, just in case planning permission doesn’t come off, we’ve got the maid watering the lawns in the middle of the night. Well, it wouldn't do for me to get caught, would it?”

As ever, the Captain thinks of everything.

An Ambassadorial visit

The Chairman & Ambassador celebrating the birth of Ruby at Zizi's on Charlotte Street.

Dining with the Ambassador is one of life’s great pleasures, and the First Lady and I were delighted to be entertained by the Ambassador (sans Ferrero Rocher) during his latest visit to the Metropolis this week. Dale was in rude heath and an even ruder shirt, and in addition to the Witham Rowing Club being toasted, the Diner’s Club also received the plaudits for their contribution to evening’s facilities.

What the Ambassador lacks in formality (t-shirts, coloured shorts and fancy shirts are invariably the order of the day) he more than makes up for in his generosity, and both the First Lady and I fondly recall the Melbourne AGM in November 2003 at which we were served by the Ambassador’s butler. Quite what the butler made of the WRC I don’t know, but we were rather impressed by his presence, in much the same way that the Ambassadress was with hers when the Ambassador returned on her birthday bearing gifts from international fashion houses.

Vivat Ambassador.

Life on the front line

Reflections of life on the front line through the eyes of the WRC’s most decorated war hero, Sqdn Ldr B.H.Campion WRC, Captain of Boats.

5th May 2006

Half Way house! I am at Ascension Island – a small chunk of volcanic dung on the otherwise serene face of the Atlantic – But it’s British to the core….Hurrah!

Tempus Pro Flighteo!

The Captain

Ruby Alice Carter WRC

Ruby Alice Carter WRC

TEMPUS PRO NEWMEMBERIO

Few things give the Chairman more pleasure than welcoming a new member to the club, and courtesy of the VC’s computer skills, the Chairman is delighted to present for inspection to both members & the wider world Miss Ruby Alice Carter WRC, who we hope is going to accept the onerous position of Chair of the Fine Arts Committee, a post which has been woefully neglected in recent years. We will expect submissions in due course from Ruby for hanging on the walls of the smoking room of the Clubhouse, and hopefully works for consideration by the hanging committee of the Royal Academy at their Summer Exhibition. If Ruby takes after her parents, acceptance by the RA is as good as dans le sack. After all, they accept any old rubbish at the RA…..